| | I don't know how to describe it, this feeling that somehow one may be in over one's head. I have often felt it when a change in life is going on. I felt it distinctly when I began work on a masters degree, again during my doctorate, again with each new job, especially if the responsibilities were greater. This feeling has something to do with the road ahead being uncertain and unfamiliar, something to do with lack of confidence in one's own ability, something to do with estimating time commitments, and something to do with anticipating other peoples' responses.
I have yet to actually encountered a situation that proved to be too much (although the U of Minnesota stint came pretty close). I attribute my getting through these experiences successfully to God, who is my strength and my fortress. I have, however, found myself mired in projects that I wish I had never committed myself to. One summer I promised to paint the window frames of the First Missionary Church in Dodge City. That commitment ruined a summer for me because the task loomed over my days all summer long until I was finally able to finish the task by squeezing out an hour here and there. Another has been a commitment to edit a book consisting of papers given at the LCMND conference a couple years ago. There has been almost no time to do the work, and it continues to haunt me to this very day. I hope to get it done in the month or two with Bruce Maylath's help. I have now also bound myself to leading a couple syllabus groups for new PhDs in the fall and to writing four papers for conferences in the coming year. These things will work out, but I wonder how.
There seems to be a tension between seeing opportunities and saying "yes, I'll do that," and being satisfied with having done enough. I keep telling myself that I am a full professor now, my salary is okay, I don't have to push so hard or bind myself to projects. And then I keep seeing opportunities or responding to invitations. I've often thought I could continue to work on my research and writing without binding myself to conferences, but I'm not sure that I can. Conference papers are a way of pulling myself into research projects.
I wonder about the value of my research and writing projects. I enjoy this kind of work, and I have a lot that I want to do, and I even think it may contribute to my field in some way. But ultimately I know that these things are unimportant. I Corinthians 13 tells us that where there is knowledge it will pass away. Three things are important: faith, hope, and charity, and the greatest of these is charity.
|
| | Posted 6/4/2009 2:28 AM - 4 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
- recommend
  - recs0
- share
- email
 - sent0
|
